The Mysterious Art of Decoding Female Mixed Signals

A comprehensive guide to understanding absolutely nothing

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

I consider myself reasonably half-intelligent. I can solve complex mathematical equations—when I am drunk. I can explain quantum physics to a five-year-old—when I am high. I've once successfully assembled IKEA furniture without having a mental breakdown. Yet deciphering whether a woman is interested in me requires intelligence beyond human capacity.

I'm convinced women communicate in a secret coded language that only other women understand. It's like they've all been issued a decoder ring at birth, and men are left trying to translate without the manual.

Back in 2020, I went on a date with Eliza. By all objective measures, it went well. We laughed at the same obscure references. She touched my arm exactly seven times (yes, I counted). She even suggested we should "do this again sometime." Classic indicators of interest, right?

Then she didn't respond to my text for five days.

When she finally did, her message read: "Sorry! Been crazy busy! Definitely want to hang out again sometime!"

The exclamation points threw me off. Were they enthusiastic or sarcastic? Was "sometime" literal or figurative? What does "hang out" imply compared to "go out"? This single text required more analysis than my master's thesis.

I consulted my friend Sophia, who speaks fluent Woman. She examined the message carefully.

"Oh, she's obviously interested," Sophia declared.

"Based on what evidence?" I asked.

"The exclamation points. Four exclamation points total – that's definitely interested."

"But she took five days to respond."

"Yes, because she's playing it cool. But not too cool, hence the exclamation points."

I needed to document this logic for future reference, so I started creating a decoding matrix. So far, it looks like this:

Quick response + no exclamation points = Not interested but polite

Delayed response + multiple exclamation points = Interested but playing it cool

Quick response + multiple emojis = Very interested or possibly just had caffeine

"I'm busy right now" = Not interested (universal constant)

"I'm busy right now" + specific alternative date suggestion = Actually busy but interested

"👍" = Conversation assassinated

I sent a follow-up text suggesting dinner on Saturday. Eliza responded within three minutes: "Can't Saturday, family thing. Maybe another time?"

I consulted the matrix. No exclamation points. No specific alternative date. This was clearly a gentle rejection.

I told Sophia, who immediately dismissed my analysis. "She mentioned family. That's significant. If she wasn't interested, she would've said 'work thing' or just 'busy.'"

"So... what's the next move?" I asked.

"Wait three days, then suggest a different day. But be vague about the activity."

Dealing with mixed signals is like playing chess against someone who's secretly playing Connect Four. No matter how strategic your moves, you're playing entirely different games.

Another woman, Aleksandra, once told me she wasn't ready for a relationship back in 2019, then proceeded to text me good morning every day, send me songs that reminded her of me, and introduce me to her parents "as a friend." When I attempted to define our relationship, she said: "Let's just enjoy what we have without labels."

What we had was a relationship without the title, like being hired for a job but never getting the salary or official position.

The scientific community has failed us by not developing tools to detect genuine interest. We have machines that can detect subatomic particles, but nothing that can tell if "Sure, sounds fun" means "I'm excited to see you" or "I'd rather watch paint dry but I'm too polite to say so."

I recently conducted an experiment where I showed ten different men the same text from a woman and asked them to interpret it. The message was: "Looking forward to it :)"

The interpretations ranged from "She's definitely into you" to "She's just being polite" to "What's with the single smiley face? Is she mad at you?"

When I showed the same message to ten women, nine agreed it showed clear interest. The tenth said, "Depends on what your previous message was," which is the kind of contextual analysis men simply don't think to perform.

My friend Marco has a different approach. He claims the secret is to "mirror her energy." If she takes two hours to respond, you take two hours. If she sends three sentences, you send three sentences. If she uses an emoji, you use a similar but not identical emoji.

Marco is currently single and has been for seventeen years.

Dating has essentially become a part-time job in signal interpretation, where the pay is inconsistent and the performance reviews are confusing. I've had women tell me they weren't interested, only to then act confused when I didn't pursue them further.

"I thought you'd try harder," one said.

"But you literally said, 'I don't see this going anywhere,'" I replied.

"That was a test to see if you'd fight for us."

I didn't realize dating included pop quizzes. I would have studied.

The most baffling mixed signal I experienced was the "I like you too much" rejection from a few years back. This is when someone ends things because, apparently, their feelings are too strong. It's like quitting a job because you're getting paid too much.

"I need to focus on myself right now," Marina told me after six wonderful dates in early 2020, just before the pandemic hit.

Two weeks later, she was in a relationship with someone else.

Apparently, "focus on myself" meant "focus on not dating you specifically." If only she'd been clearer, I could have adjusted my expectations from "potential life partner" to "temporary entertainment until someone better comes along."

I decided to start a support group for men struggling to interpret female signals. At our first meeting, twelve men sat in silence for two hours because no one knew if it was their turn to speak. We concluded nothing except that we should all probably invest in therapy.

The line between "playing hard to get" and "not interested" has become blurrier than my vision without glasses. Is she deliberately creating mystery, or am I misreading basic politeness as interest? Only time will tell. Actually, even time never tells.

After weeks of analyzing Eliza's messages back then, I finally gave up and directly asked if she was interested in dating me.

"I thought we were already dating," she replied. "We've gone out three times."

Apparently, in her world, our coffee meeting and two walks in the park constituted dating, despite no romantic gestures, no physical contact beyond friendly hugs, and not once using the word "date."

I've now resigned myself to learning from those pre-pandemic dating confusions. Perhaps the mixed signals aren't meant to be decoded. Maybe the journey of misinterpretation is the real relationship experience.

Or maybe—just maybe—women are just as confused about dating as men are, and the whole "mixed signals" phenomenon is simply the manifestation of human uncertainty wrapped in layers of social expectations and fear of vulnerability.

But that's too deep and reasonable an explanation. I prefer my theory that there's a secret global council of women who gather monthly to update their communication codes specifically to confuse men. It's the only logical explanation.

If you're trying to decode mixed signals like I was back in my pre-2021 dating adventures, I recommend developing telepathic abilities. Or just asking directly and bracing for an answer that will probably create more questions.

As for me, I'm going to keep updating my signal decoding matrix. Currently, it's fourteen pages long and has solved exactly zero mysteries. But like the dedicated scientist I pretend to be, I persist in the face of overwhelming evidence that I'm wasting my time.

After all, confusion is the first step toward wisdom. And by that metric, dating has made me the wisest man alive.

Wait—my phone just buzzed. It's a text from Eliza: "Hey stranger, been thinking about you lately. Coffee sometime?"

It's been five years. FIVE YEARS.

I'm adding a fifteenth page to my matrix.

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