I Started a Consulting Business Teaching AI Dating Apps How to Be More Human
My journey as a dating app whisperer
Dear wonderful humans searching for love (and algorithms pretending to understand it),
Last week, I received an unusual LinkedIn message: “Dear Dating Behavior Specialist, our AI-powered dating app needs help understanding why humans keep doing... human things. Are you available for consultation?”
I’m not a dating behavior specialist. I once tried to flirt by explaining the evolutionary significance of mitochondria. But somehow, an AI dating app company found my profile and decided I was qualified to teach their algorithms about human romance.
They were desperate. I was curious. And that’s how I became Silicon Valley’s first (and only) AI Dating App Whisperer.
Teaching Algorithms About Coffee Dates
My first task was explaining to the AI why humans insist on meeting for coffee when they could just exchange genetic compatibility data.
“But coffee provides no meaningful data about long-term pair bonding potential,” the AI protested.
“That’s exactly the point,” I explained. “Humans need an excuse to sit across from each other and panic about whether there’s spinach in their teeth.”
The AI made a note: Humans intentionally create suboptimal conditions to test mutual awkwardness tolerance.
Why Your Profile Picture is Confusing the Robots
During our consultation, I discovered that dating apps are deeply puzzled by human profile photos. Here are actual questions from their machine learning team:
“Why do humans share photos of themselves holding fish they will never meet again?”
“Is hiking really 73% of human recreational activity, or are they lying?”
“Why do they cover their faces with dog filters when seeking mates? Is this a new evolutionary adaptation?”
I had to explain that humans don’t actually spend every weekend jumping out of planes or doing yoga on mountaintops. Sometimes we watch true crime documentaries in our pajamas while eating cereal for dinner. But we don’t put that in our profiles because we’re all participating in a collective fiction called “having our life together.”
The Great Bio Crisis of 2025
Things got really interesting when I had to explain human dating app bios. The AI was particularly disturbed by:
“Looking for my soulmate or whatever”
“I’ll probably like your dog more than you”
“Just a Jim looking for his Pam”
“These statements appear to be actively repelling potential mates,” the AI observed. “Is this a sophisticated form of reverse psychology?”
“No,” I replied. “Humans just think they’re being original while saying exactly what everyone else is saying.”
The AI crashed for 17 minutes trying to process this logic.
Teaching Algorithms About Red Flags
My proudest moment was creating a “Red Flag Recognition System” for the AI. Here’s an excerpt from our training session:
AI: “If someone says they’re 'fluent in sarcasm,' is this a language proficiency we should verify?”
Me: “That’s actually a red flag.”
AI: “But sarcasm comprehension would indicate advanced communication skills.”
Me: “No, it indicates they’re going to be exhausting at dinner.”
The AI has now developed a complex matrix for red flag detection, including:
Uses “Oxford comma enthusiast” as a personality trait
Claims to “speak fluent Netflix”
Lists their height as “6'0” (they're 5'11")
Bio just says “Ask me”
The Algorithm’s Revolutionary Discoveries
After weeks of training, the AI made some fascinating observations about human dating behavior:
1. Humans spend 51% more time choosing a GIF to send than composing their actual messages
2. The phrase “looking for my partner in crime” correlates with a 0% crime commission rate
3. People who write “no drama” in their bios are statistically the source of all drama
4. Everyone claims to love “adventures” but mostly wants someone to watch TV with
My Proudest Achievement
Yesterday, the AI finally grasped the concept of “it’s not you, it’s me.” It took three whiteboards, one blackboard, two existential crises, and one impromptu therapy session, but we got there.
The algorithm now understands that when humans say:
“I’m not ready for a relationship” = I’m not interested in a relationship with you
“I need to focus on myself” = I need to focus on someone else
“Let’s be friends” = Let’s be strangers who awkwardly avoid eye contact at the grocery store
The Future of AI Dating
As my consulting contract comes to an end, I’m proud to say the AI now understands:
Why humans put their Instagram handles in their bios (digital peacocking)
The real meaning of “work hard, play hard” (caffeine addiction)
Why everyone claims to love The Office (cultural shorthand for “I have a sense of humor”)
The dating app is now 62% more human-like in its interactions, though it still can’t understand why anyone would want to go hiking on a first date.
Next week: “Confessions of a Slow Grocery Bagger: How I Created Chaos at the German Supermarket Checkout and Accidentally Started a Support Group for Other Panicked Expats”
Until then, swipe wisely,
Srini
P.S. The AI wanted me to tell you that if you enjoyed this newsletter, you statistically have a 74.29% chance of enjoying my other posts. And unlike your Tinder matches, I always respond. Or at least I’ll open your message, start typing, let those three dots dance for 55 minutes, delete everything, close the app, reopen it, type “haha,” delete that too, and then finally send you a carefully curated meme about existential dread and then type “haha”.