Drafting the Perfect Dating App Opening Line
The internal monologue of a man who spent two hours crafting his first message
Draft 1: Hi! I noticed we both like hiking. What's your favorite trail?
Draft 2: Hi! I noticed we both like hiking. I'm not some weird trail stalker, I promise. What's your favorite trail?
Draft 3: Hey there! I see you're into hiking—me too! I've been hitting the trails since I was a kid. Last weekend I climbed Mt. Rainier. Well, not the whole thing. I made it to the first lookout point. Which is still pretty impressive, right? What trails do you enjoy?
Draft 4: Hello! Couldn't help but notice we're both hiking enthusiasts. I recently did the Pine Ridge trail—just the beginner section, not trying to be a show-off. My therapist says I shouldn't downplay my accomplishments, but I also shouldn't exaggerate. Do you have a therapist? No wait, that's too personal for a first message. Sorry! What's your favorite trail?
Draft 5: Greetings, fellow hiker! I noticed your profile picture at Cascade Falls. I've been there too! What are the odds? I mean, pretty high actually since it's one of the most popular trails in the state. Not that I'm suggesting you're basic or anything. I think it's a great trail! Very...traily. I'm rambling now. This is why I hate texting. Not that I hate texting you specifically! I just get nervous sometimes. I'm actually very confident in person. My mom says I have a great personality.
Draft 6: Hi! I see we both enjoy nature walks. "Nature walks" sounds lame compared to "hiking," doesn't it? But really, what's the difference? Walking? In nature? That's a nature walk. Sorry, I tend to overthink semantics. My last date told me it was "exhausting." Not the hiking—the overthinking. Though she also found the hiking exhausting because I chose an advanced trail to impress her, and she showed up in sandals. I'll let you pick the trail next time! Not that there will necessarily be a next time. Or a first time. Unless you want there to be? No pressure!
Draft 7: Hello there! Just a fellow outdoor enthusiast admiring your profile. I've read that women receive approximately 150% more messages than men on these apps, so I understand if you don't respond. Not that I'm guilt-tripping you into responding! That would be manipulative, and according to the relationship podcast I listen to (not in a desperate way, just for general self-improvement), manipulation is toxic. I'm very non-toxic. Almost excessively so. Is it possible to be too non-toxic? That's probably overthinking again. Anyway, trails! You like them? Me too!
Draft 8: Hey! I'm just going to be honest—I've rewritten this message seven times already. I looked up "best dating app openers" on Reddit, but they all seemed sleazy. I considered a joke but wasn't sure if our senses of humor would align. Then I thought about commenting on your photos but worried it might come across as superficial. I drafted a thoughtful question about your career but feared it seemed too interview-like. So here we are, with me explaining my entire thought process instead of just saying hello like a normal human being. In my defense, studies show that "hey" has a 84% lower response rate, and I really would like to get to know you. So...hiking?
Draft 9: Your profile made me smile. Would love to chat if you're interested. I promise I'm much better at conversation than I am at writing opening messages—a fact I've now undermined by mentioning it. I'm also excellent at making pancakes and can identify most birds by their calls (impressed yet?). Anyway, I noticed we both enjoy hiking. Any favorite spots?
FINAL DRAFT: hey, sup?
Final. Final. Draft: Hey.
This is the most relatable emotional rollercoaster I’ve read since I tried writing a cover letter while spiraling. Honestly, if this man isn’t already married to his inner monologue, someone should snap him up immediately :)